The Poet's Dream

The Choice

2011-02-12T10:37:00.002+02:00

The Criticality of a choice
lingers in the distance,
and my shaking feet
can't help but move towards

dreams of an early childhood,
'gainst material, tangible truth.

Left foot shaking against the road,
that my right hand labored to pave.
The mind of a schizophrenic
going in frenzies about what is to come.
The Child against the Man,
wishing the game was only fair...

But fairness disolutes,
as the sun announces dawn,
and the true battle begins.

Chased by the Wolves

2010-05-31T12:30:00.001+03:00

Chased by the wolves, she ran for her life. Rain pouring and washing the tears she had shed, she felt her breath going with every step. In the woods she found no aid. No helping hand or a loving heart. She was alone.
She heard the howls behind her, but had no time to look back. One glance might cost her life. She kept running.

In a hut far in the depth of the forest, a loner writer sits by the window, seeking inspiration and sipping his glass of wine. Searching for words, he finds none. He remembers words of love long forgotten and tries to pour them onto pages of unwritten texts, but all is in vain. Chasing away nightmares haunting his wake, he scribbles lines he does not understand, he tells the story of a maiden who takes his breath, whose beauty he inspires from dim memories from the days of yore.

As she ran, the howls rose. Her only shelter was time. For with dawn came safety and light to guide her weary steps through the darkness surrounding. Her heart beat, the seconds ticked, the moon hid, and blackness remained as the beasts chased her. Death was to be seen.

At times he feels his hand stiffen, unable to go on. His mind finds no expression, no way to pour his thoughts. He delves into his memory, his dreams and life, but finds none to suit what he has scribbled about a woman so beautiful he can no longer describe, for his mind resigns seeking for that glimpse of memory, to protect and cherish. All he knows is that she does not make it, that she is eaten by beasts. A nasty death she suffers. And he is unable to save her. He wants to, but knows that she must die.

Death crept with every sound of raindrop falling. Howls of her agony mingled with howls of the pack chasing her, she refused to give up. Mud, trees, rain, leaves and thorns, all were repeating themselves, nothing more. Until she saw it, laying there in the heart of all darkness, a crack of light where a small hut sat beneath the thunderous storm. Salvation had come, for a stranger sat by the window, a helping hand, and perhaps, a loving heart.

Contemplation and deep thoughts are interrupted by a dark figure that suddenly knocks on his window. Gasps for breath are heard, as the figure moves, darkness is all around, the writer cannot determine the features of the creature outside. Could it be the woman he describes in his lines? The woman who shall suffer the lurid death? “Must be fulfilled”, he whispers to himself. He gets onto his feet.

A stranger’s face held thoughtfulness she was unable to understand, yet his face gave gleam that gave her comfort she found not in the depth of the wilderness. Anywhere was safer than with the wolves, she thought. The stranger embraced her with arms wide open, an act of generosity no human had anymore, he held her pains and soothed them as if they were his own. Yet something was queer about him, he seemed as if always reciting words of a poem he had written, often she heard him whisper words such as “necessary evil” and “must be fulfilled”. He must have been a poet, she thought to herself. Better leave his thoughts undisturbed. He helped her to sleep.

He must go on with his chore. He stands on the threshold, rain still pouring, he drenches himself. He stands for a while, looks back at the place where he has sat to write his story and smiles a dulcet smile. “Must be fulfilled”, he repeats to himself, as he walks on to the wilderness leaving the door to his hut wide open.

She woke up, she was alone. Where was the stranger? Nowhere to be seen, she sat. Not a sound to be heard but that of the streaming of the rain. The door was open, cold wind rushed through it. She got up and went for the door to shut it. And just before she reached the handle, she saw them: three wolves standing, panting, wet and hungry. She was frozen in her place, unable to move. The sound of a thunderous clap was the last thing she heard, and the fangs of the beasts were the last things she saw.

Wooden Chamber

2010-04-28T11:20:00.001+03:00

He wakes up. With his eyes closed, he tries to reflect upon yesterday. Nothing… Yesterday was nothing but a vague memory he is unable to recall. He opens his eyes and finds himself in a small, square chamber with about three meters of width. It has no windows, no door, nothing but peeling wallpaper. He sits up, looks around and wonders; where am I?

The room is lit by an invisible source of light; nothing casts a shadow. The floor, walls and ceiling, all are wooden and marked by filth; the floor dirty with cockroaches gathered around in one corner while other corners are occupied by cobwebs awaiting victims of helpless creatures to turn up. He looks beside him and sees a knife with a half-eaten apple; worms finishing the rest of it. He gives them no significance as he stands up, paces the room trying to find a hidden door or window. He finds none. No trap door, no crack between the tiles of wood.

How did I get in here? He thinks but does not linger over thoughts. His only purpose becomes that of getting out of the room. The fading wallpaper is colored of beige with little red flowers. It must have been years since the room has been deserted, it is creepy.

He then thinks to himself, maybe there is a door behind the wallpapers. A glimpse of hope surges inside of him. He starts to peel the walls; almost certain he will find a door. But the walls reveal nothing but wood, and more wood. His heart feels gloomy before the last wall is stripped naked. It then feels desperate. Nothing but wood tiles.

He clears the cobwebs in one of the corners and sits there, hugs his knees and falls into deep reflection trying to figure a way out. Think! He sees the knife; he gets up, picks it up and goes back to his former position with the knife in his grasp. He could use it somehow, he thinks to himself. How?

He rises again, tries to put the knife through the cracks between the wooden tiles of one of the walls, but they are too close to each other. He tries to carve the wood, but it is too hard. He gives up for a while, tries again, fails again then gives up again. He sits back into the corner, knife held tight in his grasp. He waits for a while, gets up again, and tries to carve the wood once more, but then again, the blade leaves nearly scratches on the hardened wood. He goes back to his corner.

He knows the knife is the answer, but how could it be of any help? It is his only companion in the room. The ghost of loneliness begins swarming over him. He gets up, walks around, paces the small room back and forth forcing himself to think, but finds himself unable to. What to do? How to do? He begins to lose grip. Anger creeps through his blood. He tightens his grip onto the knife's handle, stands in front of the knife-scratched wall, his teeth clenched and grip tightened, he starts banging his head on the wall as he screams and screams, every limb of his body gone stiff; he is losing his mind. He keeps banging his head on and on, but the pain is not as much as he intends it to be. He loses all feeling, his head goes numb. There must be another way.

He turns round, looks at the wall opposite him, gathers momentum and runs towards it at full speed to thrust it with his shoulder. He falls onto the floor screaming his agony. Good pain, he thinks to himself. He bellows, not of pain but of things he could not explain. The entrapment is taking away every sense he has. He keeps screaming until his voice goes hoarse. He feels his soul come out with every sound he makes, but soul resides, for he still feels a twitch of pain. Still alive, he thinks to himself. He looks at the knife still clenched in his hand, the blade bent from his endeavors to carve the walls. His knuckles have turned all white.

Seconds tick away, minutes, hours and maybe years for all he knows. He lies there on the floor. Exhausted and panting, he feels his fist release the knife as he falls into deep sleep.

He wakes up. A gloomy slumber is overcome. His head, shoulders and knuckles hurt. It has not been a dream after all. His insides are worse than the outside. He is being driven to madness as loneliness creeps into his veins, the more time passes, the more it eats out of his core. Long lost memories flood back. He cannot figure out what keeps him in that goddamn room. He has been alone for quite a time; he knows there is a way out, only he is unable to reach the door.

He sits up in the middle of the room hugging his knees and rocking back and forth like a little child. His soul seems to be watching him from a distance as he suffers madness he is unable to overcome. Thoughts haunt him as he smells the filth of his echoing nightmares. He can hear his heart beat in his head as seconds tick away. He tries to kill his thoughts and cerebration, but as he endeavors to do so, more come flooding.

Bleeding from inside, screaming and lost, he looks at the knife. The blade shines and sends her seductions to his screeching marrow, beckoning death whose ghost has begun to swarm.

He tries not to think, but again, he fails. Death and darkness are there, he cannot deny the existence of a sinister soul overpowering him. With every breath, he feels his spirit trying to flee. Living seems pointless… But no! He must fight! He must be strong, he must break free from his pondering, he must resist his own thoughts, but again, sleep takes over.

Through the gloominess of his sleep, he feels he has not enough strength to wake up. The blade goes into his flesh. One last pain, one last good pain and it is over. He hugs himself, opens his eyes, and then sees it, the ghost of death that has been waiting. It is a hooded figure, all dark and tall and pinned to the wall. Under the hood he sees the sinister smile and the flickering eyes as the ghost begins to fade out of sight. He is left with 3 more seconds to live after the ghost disappears, in which seconds he sees what the ghost has been hiding behind it on the wall: an enormous black wooden door…

Ignominy

2010-03-30T12:37:00.000+03:00

My Ignominy was my love.

Brand me with thy mark,
That scorching burn that eternally stains
A heart devoted to a love afar
Unrequited and forever denied.

I have spent a lifetime of humiliation
Among my kin, I was the traitor
I heard their voices haunting my ears
In disdain and contempt
I was the banished.
I was the exiled.
All for one sin
The sin of love

Wronged I announce,
I am wronged.
I was wronged into being,
A being other than honest truth
Wronged I am,
But my voice is void.

My eyes resolve to quiet tears,
But my tears burn, and turn to dust
Before they see the light of day

I shut me in my room,
My only refuge from your hating stares
I mourn a love, I mourn a life,
And there my crying is allowed to break.

Damn you all,
Followers of an illusion of a mask
Your Providence has scorned me
Your gods have condemned me…
Only because it was under their eyes
That I committed what I least regret
You fools go tell them,
Go ask them of mine virtue,
And they shall speak none,
For I am no follower,
I am a deserter,
A blasphemer in your accord.

You faceless condemners of faith,
The waters reflect no more than a shadow,
Go seek eyes before you scowl in my face
Go ask your gods to practice their mastery upon you,

I am no deserter,
I am no sinner,
I am no blasphemer,

With thy scorching mark I shall brand my bosom,
Proclaiming mine truth with a voice aloud.

I forever shall bear your penance,
Never vindicated of my crime,
My Ignominy is my love.

The Smell of Solitude

2010-03-28T03:41:00.000+03:00

The smell of solitude,
drowned by footsteps from afar.
My heart beating like a drum
Against my chest,
I feel the energy floating into the claustrophobic air
The smoke dazzling my closed eyes,
While the sounds start raping my ears.

The doors are open, and I realize
My vulnerability
My weakness against their eyes
Every movement counts
Every word uttered holds my destiny within its hand,
And I feel the exhilaration pumping through my veins.

My hands shiver, but I beg they won't see
I must remain still,
I must never indulge their eyes with a distraction
I must never make them realize my existence,
Not yet.

The clock ticks, and their sounds begin to dim.
I feel their existence,
I feel them floating inside my blood.
The lights go out, and I become the object of their sight.
It is time.

I wait for the moment, where I open my eyes,
I make my movement a purpose for their pleasure
I open my mouth releasing words I long wanted to utter,
And I beg my soul to deliver them truthfully,
I speak the lines they most want to hear,
And add nothing more to my conviction.

I walk knowing their eyes are scrutinizing
I speak knowing their ears are straining to hear,
And I fear their whispers as I return to my imposed posture.

I finish my words, and I walk away
Leaving the impact to take its full.
I hear their clapping, and feel their entertainment
Filling me pleasure I long wanted to feel
They cry and so I laugh.
I smile at their tears,
For I have served my purpose,
And my mission is done.
I bow to them, thanking their eyes,
And I take my leave, hope I remain
An inspiration for a minute or two...

Recollection

2010-03-03T17:06:00.000+02:00

I close my eyes, relieving the pain of yet another day
My mind is windswept into a forgotten eternity

I hear
The laughter of a child unburdened by dreams
His voice resonant in the ears of the world
I see the smile and the eyes that gleam
As he is told of life's sweet ends
He runs the sands, gleefully, joyfully
Collecting the shells along the innocence beach

I hear
The crying of a boy disillusioned by hopes
His voice raping the silence of his sleep
I see his tears drowning the sheets
As he is thrown in the pains of loss
He roams the night, woefully
Writing of a life not meant to be

I breathe deep as recollection pains me.

But then I hear,
The voice of a man revealing his heart
His words emancipating forgotten pains
I see his arms open apart
As he embraces the loss and gain
He kicks the sands laughing the irony away
The shells of his childhood vanished away.

My eyes remain shut and I breathe deep
But behind me the clock strikes twelve
The sound slays me into being
And existence returns.

The tear burns my cheek.
And I open my eyes…

Inside The Pillow

2010-01-12T17:36:00.002+02:00

The pillow swallows my head, for it is too heavy with thoughts.

I open my eyes and I'm in a world with which I am unfamiliar.
I am in a field where the ground is deep dark blue, naked trees are dispersed here and there, and rabbits with horns are jumping all around. The sky is crimson patched with yellow clouds.

I look around the chaos, and my thinking moves towards you.
Maybe this is where you've gone.
Maybe this rampant chaos is your reality, your refuge of the world you most despised.
I look for you in this other side of the world and wonder, will you be here? And even if u were, will u recognize me and call my name?

I watch the crimson sky fall in different shades of red and beg the gods of this part of my being to bring you. My soliloquy is found in vain. The gods seem not to hear.
I run and I cry, my crying turns to screaming, and soon I find myself caught up in my own sounds of despair. My throat goes hoarse. I stop. I pant, my breathing goes heavy, I fall to the floor…

I listen to the wind and hear your name whispered.
Then I see you. You see me as well, but turn your face.
Look at me! I ask of you, but you look away.
You don’t remember.
My guts have told me, and my senses have warned me.

As I lie on the floor, my tears begin fall.
The silent night pities me, and the sky sheds her own tears upon me; consoling me.
Rain falls hard. Rain is warm.
I see you still standing there, thinking for yourself, trying to bring back your memory of me.
Rain turns into fuzzy warm white snow.
I am still lying on the floor, and you are still thinking.
Snow melts and pink grass sprouts on the blue dirt.
You are still thinking.
Rain falls again, warm white snow again.
It covers me as I lie there, but you are lost in your pondering.

Silence.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades. A century.
I am holding my breath.
And your thoughts seem to drift.
Snow, winter: the world of fragility cannot hold its patience.
I hear the sound of snow melting, giving up.
But I will not,
I will not give up.

I bite myself, and blood gushes on the snow.
Green.
You look at it.
You give me that look: 'Right!'
You remember.

You run to me, and I pick myself off the floor.
Bleeding, I walk to you.
My feet cannot hold me, I fall again, and I crawl to you as you run to me.
I count the steps you make, they seem endless, and you do not reach me.
I crawl even more, harder, faster. But I do not reach you.
You keep running, and stretch your hand towards me, and I stretch my skinless hand. I do not reach you.

You stop. I look down.
You look away, I understand.
I cry.
I close my eyes. I disappear.
I make one last prayer. I say goodbye,
And the pillow spits me out...

My Turn

2009-12-30T03:24:00.000+02:00

My turn has come
And I will bash you
And I will hate you
And I will allow myself to curse you.
For months I have been made the criminal
For months I have been accused the murderer
For months I have wallowed in my guilt
Fed myself the poison of distaste
But I'm done with it.
I'm through.
And my last of words
Good bye to you.

You walked around talking of my virtues,
Praising my name speaking of my graces
Behind a mask of love you concealed a demon
A raging beast that thirsted for my blood,
And that beast reached me
And that beast ate me, because I allowed it.
You told them how you loved me,
How you were grateful to have me
But it was charade,
You wanted to look strong
You wanted to seem to have gotten over me.

But at night, in bed,
At night when you write
The beast roars
The beast hates me
The beast asks revenge.

Here I allow mine.
My beast surfaces,
And it rips away yours' head
Spilling its blood all over the floor.

Go… by all means go
Tell them how you hate me
Tell them how I hurt you
Betray my trust
Send them my letters
To uncover my vices
To emphasize the fairytale you've created
Where nothing exists but extremes,
You are the Good,
And I am Evil.

Deceive them and deny the wrongs you would not admit
And let them hate me,
And let them boil in anger
And let them show they care.

I write with blood.
I write with tears.
My eyes and heart can bear it no more.
And so I detach.
Hoping one day you will wake up from your illusion
Built in a castle in fairyland,
Mr. Green…
The grass is always greener on the other side…

My Heart

2009-12-11T14:10:00.000+02:00

- Oh love! Here is my heart.
Love, do you see me?
- What are you giving it for?
- It's yours.
- Your heart beats fast, it must be the rain.
- But love, it's not the rain, it's you.
- I'll fit it somewhere, for I do not need it.
- Turning away -

- Brother! Lend me your heart.
Brother, do you hear me?
- And what do you need it for?
- Survive.
- I need it now, it might rain today.
- But brother, I need a heart, I bleed.
- Go find it elsewhere, for I am working.
- Walking away -

- Dear friend! I lost my heart.
Friend, can you feel me?
- Why haven't you talked before?
- I tried.
- Here is my heart, use it for the time.
- But friend, you are bleeding, you'd die.
- Worry not my friend, I'll grow another.
- Dying away -

To My Beloved

2009-11-17T16:54:00.000+02:00

And as we made our love,
I bit my teeth too deep inside my own skin
You have consumed me wretched,
And I here, your beloved, am avenged
By the name of thy heart I shall endure
By the name of thy love, I shan't...

Mend your words, lest you may save that heart of mine
Utter resonant syllables, iambic musicals
Sing for my heart, give life to its feathered wings
Mend your words, lest you may relieve that broken heart.

I beseech you, and deplore your mercy,
For I die alone, each night, mourning
Your arms, your lips, your love
I mourn them gone, I mourn them dead

…and are we dead?

Plainness I beg, i wish you not
Heave your heart into your mouth
Cut me, slay me kill and betray me
But give no words of flattery

we are dead…

Let it be so, thy truth then be our allegiance spared
From this hour forth, we cease to be,
Gaea forebode our souls to clash
A stranger to my heart you love shall live.

Avoid my sight for I see no more
I hear no more and am no more
Lest I wallow alone unaffectioned
Be you my sworn,
Eternally, and forever
My beloved.

The Mountain

2009-11-13T15:04:00.000+02:00

You climb a mountain, your knees are skinned and your body weary. You gasp for breath every once in a while, for the air escapes you. You promise yourself it will get better. You promise yourself that it's a phase. The storm will pass. Yet deep within you know that storm will turn into a hurricane, the peak of the mountain is a dead end. A cliff awaits you and the up climbing will result a crash.
You breathe deeply. Stop for a moment, then make another step, and break into an uphill run.

The meadows under are far behind you now. You look back and remember the sweet smell of the rose. You forget how it stung you, and you promise yourself the good times will come back. But paradise was lost, it will never be regained.

Your lashes flap as the whirlwind blows. The tears get mixed up with the dust. Your lips are dry. You lick them to erase the cracks on them as you go on with your endeavor.
You promise you will not bow. You promise you will not break and shut everything away. The conquest becomes your obsession, and the mountain has to be conquered.
The world under you had tied your feet with ropes. The Hands begin to pull you down as you hang on to every rock and pull yourself up. The Hands are hateful of your strength. The Hands are desperate for you.
You promise you will win. You promise you will survive.
For days on end your journey lasts. And running up the hill becomes your lifestyle.
And when you see the peak nearing, your heart skips a thousand beats. It knows what awaits, and realizes the inevitable death. You quicken your pace, and with your feet you kick the Hands away, for you want the climb to be finally over. You want to be relieved. And then…
You reach the end.
You stand in ecstasy at the top of the world, and the cold air fills your lungs. You close your eyes to savor the moment. The moments tick in perpetual motion as you seem eternal. A defiant of nature's reality. And then you remember. Your heart trembles. Your hands shake, and you open your eyes.
Beautiful scenery before you. The whole universe opens up for you. God-like knowledge is yours to grasp. But your heart could only think of one thing. The fall.
You look down and see yourself at the brisk of the infinity. You look into of the eyes of the world beneath you, an abyss of light. You fear, you shake, you tremble, and your legs give way…
You fall…
For hours you fall.
You feel yourself a motionless creature in constant drop.
You think that the ground will refuse to catch you.
And you are filled with hope.
That this might not be the end…
And then…
You crash.
You hear the sound of your bones crashing, as every part of your being is one with the ground.
You feel you are dying.
You feel you are never to get up again, and you wait for your spirit to ascend the heavens. But it resides. It refuses to let go of you.
For months you suffer. You cry, you beseech the heavens to take you away.
But you prayer is unanswered. You remain in you earthly dwelling, hung between life and death.
With time you wallow in despair that you cannot see that your bruises are healing. The bones are mending, and your are retuning to life.
Years pass and you begin to notice your better condition.
You pant as you try to pick yourself off the floor, and cry each time you fail to do so.
But time is your ally, and with time you are restored.

After what seemed like an eternity of pain, your feet prove themselves strong. You fix your hands to the floor, and pull yourself upwards. Invisible wings lift you a little as you fix your knees on the ground. You remain in a crawling position for a few seconds as you take a deep breath.
You promise you will stand, you promise you will live.
And you do.
You pick yourself up, and force yourself on your feet.
You look around you, the meadow is as beautiful as you remember it.
You feel the wind brushing your hair, and you raise you head up,
You look at the sky, joyful and victorious, and feel the sun shining on your skin.
You smile to yourself, and look in a new direction.
You resume your journey with aching feet, as you promise yourself you will conquer the next mountain you see.

The Dreamer and The Pendulum

2009-10-24T23:21:00.002+03:00

The death sentence is declared. And I am left with two minutes of life.
The blade approaches and I watch its movement, like a pendulum above my head.
My words fall short, and rhyme escapes my thought.
No time to musically adjust them, so I burst them, wild and blunt.
The feeling of helplessness does not escape me. For I watch this beast approaching with his jaws wide open and his fangs desiring my flesh.
I feel his breath,
The stinking breath and I cannot even look away.
Instead I look at it in the eye. The bloodshot eye. And I see the blade. Unmoving, unscathed, unaffected by my courage.
They say in moments like this, heroes and cowards part way.
I think cowards would be the winners.
I break down and start weeping.
Not because the blade scares me.
Not because death scares me.
Because there's so much more I wanted to do.
So much more I wanted to say.
So many promises I had to keep, and so many apologies I had to make.
I say a prayer for those who love me,
For I fear I might have not loved them enough.
I might not have truly showed them how much they meant.
And I wish in desperate hope that one day they would realize how much they meant for me.
I say a prayer for my mother and father.
I might have been too hard on them
I might have been ungrateful.
I have broken their hearts Oh so many times,
And if only I had a little bit more time to fix them.
Try to mend them, and soothe them.
But it remains a desperate hope.
I think of my friends, and I see them smiling.
Looking at me, with tears in their eyes,
But smiling.
They know what awaits me, but try to make it easiest for me.
They know tears cut me, and crying breaks me,
And they try to control it.
But I break down.
For so many times I have cried in front of them, showed my tears and allowed them to flow.
So many times they have been my shoulder, but not once had I seen their tears.
And it kills me a second death.
Then I say a prayer to you.
So many feelings I felt but could not elaborate.
I could not burst them, for I loved you too much.
You have saved me from myself.
The dark dwelling of my being.
You gave a name for my existence,
And a meaning to my life.

I do not say I am sorry.
The crying turns to laughter,
And I smile as I recall your face.
And I say thank you.
Thank you for loving me,
For being my one and only.
Thank you for every smile,
And every tear and every moment.
You have made my life worthwhile.
And as the seconds tick away,
And my life withers, I see that I have lived a good life,
Having had you near me,
To love and to cherish.
Your lips have been my remedy in the times to pass,
And so they shall save me the suffering to come.

I think of your kiss, and the blade cuts my throat.
And I do not feel a thing.

The Line 2

2009-10-17T01:54:00.002+03:00

All the running broke me.
But I was resolved on reaching the light that kept escaping me.
Until I fell to the floor.
I crawled for a while, but crawling made it worse. For the light began dimming.
I was desperate. I was lost.
So I stopped.
I looked around.
I dared look sideways.
I dared look up, and down.
And I saw…

I saw people running, people smiling.
People walking in circles and zigzags and every shape imaginable.
At first I grew resentful.
These people are non-believers
They are disillusioned. They do not want to reach the light.
And then I noticed that no one was walking alone.
Every person I saw belonged to a pack, or a group.
And I…
I saw myself alone.
Why?

The snow onto which I walk tastes only my footsteps.
This virgin forest is my own.
It is my only refuge from savage beasts.
I trod it alone, fearful of the wolves behind me.
Only I have grown hungry, weary and cold.
And realized that the only wolf I truly fear,
Is the only one who's gotten a grip of me.
The wolf of my loneliness.

to be continued...

The secret of happiness

2009-10-12T00:39:00.002+03:00

So, have we solved the secret of happiness?
"I believe so," he said.
Are you going to tell me?
"Yes. Ready?"
Ready.
"Be satisfied."
That's it?
"Be grateful."
That's it?
"For what you have. For the love you receive. And for what God has given you."
That's it?
He looked me in the eye. Then he sighed deeply.
"That's it."

- From Mitch Albom's Have a Little Faith.

The Line 1

2009-09-06T02:15:00.004+03:00

Born with a choice, I walked the earth thinking I was brought up to become.
I thought that I should abide by others' laws.

Life was a straight line. No curves. No bumps. No ups or downs.
It was a path I should walk without turning my face, or lowering it.
And I believed it so.
And I walked it. I walked it tirelessly, reluctantly at times, but I walked on.
I saw a strange light at the end of the path, and I inquired about it.
That light was God and destiny, I was told, waiting for me with wide-spread arms.
And I believed it so.
I was given a reason to keep the journey.
And for years and years, I walked and walked...

But with every step, I found the light getting away, running from me.
But I dared not speak.
And I thought God was running away from me.
But I dared no speak.
I was wrong in my thinking. For God never walks away from believers. And so I was made to believe I was a non-believer. So I gave up walking and started running instead to redeem myself.

I run to you god with bruises all over my legs.
I crawl to you begging your forgiveness.
I am the damned, I am the non-believer.
I implore your mercy, for I have sinned
Save me eternal suffering.
Forgive me father.
Forgive me...

(to be continued)

Launching of The Line.

2009-09-06T02:09:00.003+03:00

The Line is a series of texts I have been working on. I have no definition for them. They are neither prose nor poetry. They are their own entity.
The Line is a journey, and today, I start sharing this journey with you.

I Will Not Heed

2009-08-29T16:21:00.001+03:00

God watches as I just burn myself up to ashes
He spits at me, scorning my shame
And I look up, arrogant and proud,
'I see you God and I feel you
I will not heed'
I betray his sense as I cut myself
The blade tastes my flesh
Licking the blood as the silver turns to red
Drops of my being melt onto the crimson floor
No one knows, no one will...
I die... again!

God rebels against me, breathes life
All filthy and vile into my hide
One more chance he says,
I give you more more chance
One more death I say,
I give you one more death
I tell you, I will not heed.

The Last Battle

2009-07-25T00:38:00.000+03:00

I hold on to my crucifix
My only sword in this last battle.

Humanity decayed
Divinity betrayed
Nothing left to salvage the world.

The lights go low and the voices arise
Screams of the fray slay the silence,
But deep within me, I strongly see
The whisper of my prayer shall set the world free

Falling asleep with every bomb deafening my ears
Time starts to run out as I feel their howls creep into my spine
All I have been and all I ever will be
Vanish from my sight, and I am left with the only present I have been given.
Bloodshed, slaughter and agony,
All I see, all I feel…

Then,
As though injected with sleeping poison
My mind relinquishes, drifts into a land of sheer innocence and purity
Or maybe the land of the dead.

And the sun decides to rise once again
Apathetic to human tragedy.

The voices are silent
The crows feed on the remainders of flesh
Few men remain on their feet
Heads held low
Conscience awakened
'What have I done?'
What began with anger ended with monstrous devouring of human skin…

Will the world of tomorrow learn
From the mistakes of their forefathers?
Will the bloodstained sins
Ever be justified?
Or will history, as it always has,
Repeat itself once again?

Genesis

2009-07-03T13:39:00.000+03:00

I met her before the waking of the world
In a dreamlike state where she and I were not human yet
The sea spat us on the shore where the sand sheltered our sleep
And when our eyes opened, we perceived each other's beauty.
Hers was the beauty of a goddess,
She shone far more than the spectre that hung above us
She filled the vacant space of the air,
And she replaced my senses.

When we first spoke, I felt her singing my name
As she muttered every word
And I sang my longing whenever her eyes drifted from my face.

We were alone at first.
Two creatures thrown into a virgin world
Nothing disrupted our peace
We were made to love, and love we made.

Night and day
We shared our passion and poured our insides into one another
We became one.

The wind came, and asked for half my being,
Half my soul and half my flesh
Then asked my love for the same
And took them far beyond the sea,
Where she shaped our son.

When our child was born,
It was carried by the ocean on the shoulders of a wave
Who mourned her loneliness and scorned our love,
Envious, she poisoned the child
Returned it misshapen and seeded with pride.

We never saw the child was sinful
We thought the days of bliss would forever stay
Pride and ignorance, were the first two sins to come to the world.
And we were too blind to see them.

The child grew a beautiful man,
Married a seductive siren from the deep.

They had their children, two beautiful men and one mermaid
Who seduced her brothers, turned them onto one another.
The strongest won. The most instinctive.
And the intelligent perished.
Survival was for the fittest.
And the fittest married his well deserved prize. His sister.
They gave birth to further men and women,
Who learned from their parents,
Arrogance, pride and vanity.
Each challenged the other,
And each gave birth to more of our kind.

Years and years passed and my children grew older.
They became plenty, and they filled the earth and invaded it.
Planted in them were the virtues of the land.
Yet the initial seed of pride remained.
Poisoning them, and following them generation after the other.
But they survived.
They remained.
And they multiplied.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Soul of the night, redeem me into innocence:
I beg.
Show me truth without its mask
Let not sin into my skin as my children allowed
Ah heavens! Return me to my love's arms
Bring her forth to erase the devil's mark
I was blind, and blindness disrupted the world
Mother Gaea,
My soul lives on into your heart
And your heart weakens today
Because of the foolishness of my kind… of my children
I shall perish Mother,
Take your revenge and make them suffer
And go your way.
A new beginning starts at the end.
Bring forth that end…

Introduction to Death and Rebirth

2009-06-18T13:36:00.000+03:00

Death and Rebirth is an autobiography in verse. It has the different
stages I went through in my life. The poems basically speak of my
experiences throughout this journey we call life.

It begins with The Birth of a Poet, where my senses were
introduced to the world, where I found myself experiencing the
complexity of human emotions. Here I would like to ask the reader
the excuse the frailty of style in that chapter, for some of the poems
date back till 2004 where I was fifteen years old. I could have
edited them of course, But I decided to leave them in their chaos,
for they represent an era of innocence and pure spontaneity in my
writing.

Death of Innocence represents the time where I literally hit rock
bottom in my emotions, and you will find that very much
reflected, and here I would like to apologize, for some poems
might seem too dark, and too depressing. For at the time, if only
words would help me express, I was in that transitory state where
childhood was to be left behind, and I was left to face the cruelty of
a world to which I was unprepared.

Transitory Silence represents the time where I found myself inside
a bubble where I felt all my of my thoughts were dispersed. It was
a difficult phase, for it often brought drought for my pen, which is
every writer's fear. In that phase came deep reflection and reevaluation
of values and thoughts upon myself and the world. It
was a crucial phase that helped escape the depression that, I later
on learned, was self-inflicted.

Rebirth of Faith is what I can call the time I am going through right
now. Where there is strong belief in the world, in love, myself,
others and the human condition as a whole. I have become a
learned and experienced man.
The boy who once suffered, hurt and went through phases and
phases of depression now truly understands who he is, and he is
set on reaching what he believes is the ultimate goal of his
existence, which is to reach out to others, teach them of his
experience so that they would be inspired to improve theirs.

Poetry Book

2009-06-06T21:32:00.005+03:00

Two years ago, I submitted a book to a website, www.lulu.com, where I posted a poetry book that can be sold through a print-on demand method. Now, two years after I posted it, they send me an email telling me that the book would be available on amazon.com!

And it brought me an idea. Currently I am working on the books, fixing it and editing it, in hopes of publishing it in Lebanon.

Point is, I am now listed in amazon! go check out the book! ^_^

Death and Rebirth - Ribal Haj

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/death-and-rebirth/674242

P.S : I know, the cover sucks!

Abstraction

2009-06-06T04:44:00.001+03:00

Dans un monde sans vision
sans contacte physique,
sans sexualite
Tu es paru
Me manquer
me bouleverser

Ma croyance en une ame abstraite,
rend mon coeur le plus concret,
a le toucher,
et l'embrasser...

a S. A. le seul a m'encourage d'ecrire en francais... tu te connais! :)

Silence of my god

2009-05-23T22:10:00.000+03:00

Silence,
Is the language of my god,
As he turns his face.

Loud screaming, deafening my human ears
While my soul screeches for divine sound.

Left my heart buried in the dying soil
While I look for answers in salty seas
Deliver my speech O mighty divine!
Offer me truth I most implore
Relieve the pain of loss!

For you I have fought my wars
For you I have wept my tears
Eternally yours I have promised my soul
Given it strength, fed it your words

Now, facing unbearable agony,
I beseech you,
And my creed is found in vain.
For you have shut your ears
And forsook me…

Again.

Simplify

2009-05-15T11:37:00.000+03:00

To simplify my emotions
I write you stupid love songs
But love!
Easy words fall unworthy

Poetry withers at the mention of your name
Rhyme loses its musicality
And verses fall ashamed

Love,
You strip me off my education,
My talent and reputation
Oh sweetheart!
The more I try, the harder I fail…

I fail, Oh yes I fail
But failure boils me
It kills me
And death feels good
Death feels sweet.

So I'll shorten my phrase
For the sooner I shut lips,
The sooner you'll kiss me
So kiss me,
And silence the desperate poet
Pathetic at composing rhyme
Oh if only with every silence,
You would kiss me each time!

To Tuomas...

2009-04-21T02:26:00.000+03:00

Bless your words, for they wound my soul
They cut through my being like a blade that rapes my blood
They waken my heart from its numbness
Revive my insides, thirsty for feeling

Your verses weave thoughts within my dreamless mind
Shatter the walls of my inner flood
They are a drug that circulates in the veins of my stiffened hand
They creep into me and the poet inside is resurrected

My Christendom is built upon your church and bible
That teach of pain, of sorrow and of dear sweet life.
You are no god, and far from being divine,
And it comes a consolation

You are no man-created being,
You are your own created self,
A self anointed Christ!

I shall not worship you, nor your words
But I shall feel them, remember them
And build my poem upon them,
A foundation of my rhyme

You, among the thousand prophets,
Are the only I might call a friend,
And if only I was your friend!

I shall dwell within each line your hand weaves,
In desperation awaiting every magic…
I sign my letter with my only name,
Nemo, the once and forever.

Remedy

2009-04-14T03:36:00.001+03:00

Watch me die as I shed my skin.
I agonize before your eyes and you stand helpless wishing there was something you could do to cease my pain.
I watch you through half open eyelids as you weep like a child
'Give me the kiss' I mutter under my breath
'Give me the kiss that springs life into my veins'
But your ears are deafened by the sound of your silent tears.
'Darling, your lips are my remedy
Come forth and electrify me with the power of your breath
Give me the touch I need to live onto
My dose of heart beating you inject!'

'My insides are numb and I feel hollow
Frozen without your love
Overcome by shadows swarming to claim my soul'
But I do not give up
'Your love will revive me,
Your love will protect me
It will save me.'

As you begin to turn your face to walk away
I feel my heart bursting the words 'I love you'
I scream into myself!
I bellow to silence the heart that keeps you from hearing me
Then…
My heart, as if obeying my command, stops…
And I am left alone in a moment of time,
Alone with my soul,
And I must deliver my final words
Before embarking onto the journey,
Towards nothingness…
I decide on my words, and direct them to you,
'He is my soul'

I feel you stop in your tracks, as if to listen
'I love you…'
Then nothing…

My lips moisten, and I feel…
… the blood running through my vein
… the air penetrating my lungs
… the heartbeat
… the breath
… the soul returning to me
I feel…
Your kiss

and I feel…
Alive again.

My eyes open, and I see the most beautiful scene in existence
Your teary eyes starring into mine.

Will You?

2009-04-10T23:25:00.001+03:00

Will you be a part of my human experience?
Will you share my intellectual thoughts?
And bring me to confess my intimacies hidden?
Will you laugh at my jokes, and cry at my pains?
And will you let me feel those lips curling
as you kiss my cheek?

Will you leave a mark on my lips after we kiss?
I'll forget to wipe the Rouge
and walk down the street with smudged lips

Will we sit by the chimney and sip our wine?
naked and wrapped up on a cold winter night
as the rain knocks on the window while we share our love

Will I one day hurt you by saying goodbye?
and you'll hurt me more by saying you don't care
I'll walk away thinking the love is gone
and you'll sit on your bed crying your heart out
crushed from dreams we wanted to build

Will I then bring you flowers, saying I love you?
saying I'm sorry and that I need you forevermore
Will you jump at me, hitting me with the ashtray?
for being a fool, and doing that stupid mistake
Will you then kiss me, like I'd never been kissed?
And we'll make up, and we'll make love for a night or two

So many question and answers are few
I will keep my dreaming inside of me
If roses were red, and Violets were blue
Then the day will come where I will find you...

I am your home

2009-04-08T01:44:00.001+03:00

Your heart has lost its home, Oh dear friend!
Make way for my hand to reach out and touch it
Carve into my being with what might you still possess
Plant your heart into my flesh…
Take away mine, for it means none if yours was lost
Let your heart live in me, Oh dear friend,
So that when it hurts, it is me who suffers
So that when it falls ill, it is me who dies…

My body will live on, nourished by all the love
You've filled into your beating organ!
I offer my whole being a sacrifice,
It is all yours to claim
It might not seem much, Oh dear friend!
But poor I have been raised,
And poor shall always be
Seeing how rich of emotion I see your soul!

When you feel all lost and weary, Oh dear friend!
Remember…

I am your home.

To Jad B...

The Mark of All Beginnings...

2009-03-31T03:14:00.001+03:00

I promised myself that I would stand next to you as you fought your battle. I promised you that all will be good, that I would make it easier, that I would stand beside you till the very last moment, till the very last breath.
And here I sit next to you, watching your breath weaken, your skin turn pale, as your soul fights for its existence. I put my hand in yours and you squeeze it, letting me know that you are still here, telling me that your love for me is what is keeping you. I get up slowly; kiss your lips as my tears fall on your face. You are dying, a graver death than that of cancer. A death with no remedy, with no deliverance promised. The body once perished is relieved off its pains, but the soul is never.
Your tears appear now from under the closed eyelids, and they get mixed up with mine that fell on your face, and I can't take it. Silently I sob, silently I swallow my tears, and silently I kiss you. But you hear me. You feel me as I burn us down to the ground. I wish I could control it, but I cannot. You squeeze my hand some more, and I feel it giving me life. Suddenly I am the one dying, I am the weak one, and you are the one bringing life into my soul. As though the remainders of your fragile spirit are creeping into me, nourishing my agonizing soul.
I start to shiver, and you are as firm as stone. You, lying there in your hospital bed, supporting me while I should be the one supporting you. I cry, and I allow myself to sob aloud, until I hide my face in the side of your pillow. I hear your weak breath, and realize I should calm down, for your sake. I get up, and start my weak attempts to wipe my tears. And then I hug you. I hold on to you for what seems like eternity. And I say goodbye…

I had been looking for years and years for that one person to be able to love. And he came just like a dream come true. I saw in him the one person to break my defences and unlock my heart. I do not think it was love from first sight. It was pre-destined love. Love before sight. I believed myself crazy for falling for him, but crazy I wanted to be, if it meant having him.

I remember counting the hours, and timing my sleep just so I would be able to wake up and find him awake, and talk to him. I'd promised myself never to give my heart so easily, and never to go through unprotected love. But he came to me an intoxicating drug, a disease that took hold of me, never allowing me to breathe. And I was happy.
I was falling in love. And I was surprised, that this time everything was perfect. He was available, he was there, and waiting for me to say the words. Ironically enough, he comes to me, and tells me the words I'd never imagine hearing, or reading but in tragic love stories, and corny cheap movies. He told me he had cancer.

I'd never known someone who had died of cancer, except for my cousin Ali. But it was such a long time ago that I can barely recall it. I think I was about eleven years old, and he was seven. I remember it happened so quickly. One day we were on the beach, both our families, the next he was in the hospital. I remember the grown ups making such a fuss about it although I did not understand why. Everyone went into hospitals. I found nothing strange about that. I also remember them talking about his possibility of being exposed to too much sun. Again I did not realize that Ali's case was crucial.
Then one day my father came waking me up. As always, I pretended not to hear him, for maybe he would go away and I could have more time to sleep. Then he said it: Baba, Ali Mekdad died. I still remember his face as he said it, full of pain. His eyes had cried, I could make that out clearly.
I sprang into my bed. What?
It was all I could say. It felt so strange, so weird. How? He's only seven. How could he have died?
My memory then flashes to the funeral. I saw a lot of people, most of them I did not know. His parents had been divorced, and I'd never seen his father before. I would never, ever forget that scene: Men crying, men including my father. My heart was about to burst, as I felt my throat go sore. I kept the tears in. I fought them out. Ali could not have died, why cry over him then?
Then I remember his mother, my aunt, being carried by two of her sisters, as she cried and screamed in the middle of the street.
'He told me to give his savings to his sister.' She would scream non-stop.
'He told me he wanted a burger once he got out of the hospital. You didn't get your burger Ali. You didn't get your burger ya habibi.'
I couldn't take it anymore. I burst out crying. It isn't fair. Why should I live while he's in that tomb being mourned by all of those who loved him?

At first, conceiving the idea was what I went through the most. I even began to doubt his claims, but I never shared these doubts with him of course. He told me about his battle with Leukaemia that started 8 years ago. How he was able to win once. Giving him 4 years of pleasure, and peace, until very recently the cancerous cells began to reappear. And how the doctors and his parents were doing their best to hide the horrid truth from him, and how he was able to figure it out. And how he had little time left, and how I should not be involved with him. It was too much to conceive in the course of our little conversation we were having, and that began with our admiration to music, and our love for Loreena Mckinnitt. I wished our conversation would have ended there.

I was before making a choice there: either accepting the fact that we were not meant to be, walking away, and saving myself an inevitable heartbreak and thus living in peace; or staying, falling in love with him deeper still, fighting, suffering and watching him die as my heart shredded itself day by day watching him go away. Irony hits again, that I chose the second.

If it has been a normal love story, it would have been the end, or at least the beginning of the end. But when it comes to me and Marc, it was the mark of all beginnings...

Lilly and the Willow

2009-03-23T19:17:00.000+02:00

Under the willow she sat
Mourning with her guitar
A sad, sad song came through her lips
Followed by a tear… only one.

The breeze rustled through the willow
An icy chill filled Lily's heart
Brought the tune back to her song
And filled the hollowness inside

Childhood memories,
So bittersweet
Hurting, cold and alone
Lily stroked the cords, in pain they wept
Under the willow,
Lily found her home

The wind then came,
It was Lily's time
One with the wind,
She began to fly
A thousand pieces she split herself
Tiny shards unseen by the eye

Gone away, along a journey
With her guitar
Lily is a flying soul that all forgot
Except the willow who kept her song
Sang it alone, every night
Reminding itself of Lily's heart…

Melancholy of a Lost Boy:

2009-03-17T13:24:00.001+02:00

Born from darkness, a starless night my mother, and the bloodshot moon, the father I never knew.

It is me, the forever lost, unnamed and unloved.
Every step I make in search for myself leads me astray, far, far away from home.

I write you what I could not have told you. My pen tells of my pain and delivers the unspoken cries.

These dying lines are the last before my endeavor to find my lost lifeline.

Never cry for my absence, I already found peace in the forgotten track onto which I shall be sailing. I have buried my past under the dust of times and shall only think of what is yet to come. My only wish for the night remains that you shall never taste the pain that I have tasted.
The garden of hope that I've cared for since the day I was born, shall blossom with red flowers, colour of the blood with which I have watered the dying soil. I shall lay my back there, comforted that after the pain, remedy came and my wounds turned into scars that shall be buried under my skin with the passing of years.

When you read my verse, only think of the moments to come for the poet's dream to flourish. Think of his cry for freedom you've ignored for so long, and think of his beaten wings that are craving for emancipation.
I've given my words the tears I fought for years for fear of weakness. Now these words have become the eye with which I shred my pain into pieces.

The world now wants me. It needs me to be just another flying soul in the universal unit. And being wanted has become a thrill I've never known.
Time will tell how I will turn out to be, and I shall embrace the days to come with wide spread wings.

Now you, I wish I did not love you the way I do. For it has become the poison that fills me with guilt. My love for you shall never cease, only the memory shall dim. And the voices inside my head will keep their constant screaming only they will diminish themselves if I ignore them long enough.
There's so much more I wanted to say…
I wish the night would find my heart hidden in its realm…
I shall live no more to shame you…
I am sorry…

She...

2009-03-14T13:23:00.000+02:00

She was the canvas onto which I painted
My colorful joys and my days to come
She gave ink to my wounded pen
That wrote the verses of a desperate dreamer.

Will the world ever know, and understand
Without her, the poetry within me is never found?
Will they realize she is the art with which I pronounce myself human?
Hopeful they will, for I leave none to indulge my being.

I leave my masterpieces to glorify her existence
Her non ceasing incandescent beauty
I leave my art to perform its magic
In moving and disrupting emotions of generations to come
To show how much a poet has fallen deeply,
Madly, and completely
Into the grasps of a love he never got over
To show the omnipotent, god-like power of the human heart
In raising the dead, and putting suffering to an end.

You who read these lines learn
That this poet's intention was never to be called upon
Remember not his name, but remember the reason for his verse
Learn that this dreamer sighs as he wishes
An end to his mortified soul.

I say this bitter farewell, with an unshed tear
I am sorry…

The Poet Screams...

2009-03-04T01:42:00.000+02:00

His insides lurch,
Agonizing still,
Thunder struck,
And hail fell.
A shard of ice
Pierces through
The hot blooded veins.

And the poet screams!
'Relieve this pain!'
Through the congealed blood
The ice creeps,
Reaches the heart,
And it turns blue
And it hurts like hell,
An icy hell…

And the poet screams!
'This is not me!'
Fire burns
But is it enough?
The fire of love
It is not enough.

So the poet screams!
'I will not be!'
Days come by
And the poet's core
Freezes down
Furthermore
He loves the pain,
He enjoys the ice,
And after years,
He no longer screams
After years,
The poet dreams...